Well, now that we've been home for three weeks...I have finally settled into the "Mommy" role for the most part. I know how to feed, bathe, and mostly satisfy my daughters basic needs. But now I'm having to start looking at the deeper issues for her long term health and happiness.
She's an adopted child and I'm reading about attachment. Alina shows great signs of starting to attach pretty strongly with me. She turns to me for comfort and I'm able to give it, she prefers me because I'm her primary caregiver, she cries when she's hurt, and she gets upset when I leave the room and then she finds out I'm still in the house but she can't see me. These are good and bad things. Good because it shows attachment, but bad because it's just me. She's more and more comfortable with Andy, but it's a slower road. She sees and spends more time with him on the weekends and about 15-20 minutes in the morning and an hour in the afternoon.
That will change in June when he gets out of school, but then I'm leaving to go back to work and my time with her will change to what he has now. I'm afraid of her feeling abandoned and 'trauma'. This is something that kids who are adopted generally feel. She didn't exhibit a lot of 'loss/trauma' when we took her from her caregivers at the orphanage. And I know she was very fond of them. So is this a bad thing that we haven't seen that grief or are we just not seeing it yet?
Daycare will start sometime in July and that's another concern.
Just venting my worries here loved ones. Hope you comment.
Love to all.
I would not worry too much if I were you. What you are describing sounds perfectly normal to me. You are the primary caregiver, so it's natural that she is closer to you than her daddy right now. You spend more time with her. That's pretty much the way things have been for millions of babies for thousands of years! There's nothing wrong with that, or even unusual about it.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry too much about her feeling abandoned, etc. down the road. Cross that bridge when you come to it. It will be so different from taking her out of the orphanage because number one, she'll be with her daddy all day and number two, you come home every evening. Trust that she will figure that out and adjust... and constantly reassure her that that's her new norm. You will all be fine, I am sure. I have full confidence in you!
About the grief - I don't have any experience with that, but just using common sense, it would seem to me that if she's coming to you for comfort, you may be seeing the grief and comforting her for it without even knowing that's why she needs you. Ever have a bad day and something little sets you off? Could be the same for her. She thinks about her caregivers, gets sad, then bumps her knee, and that starts the tears. She cries not just for the knee but also for the loss, and there you are to hug her. Just because she can't articulate her sadness doesn't mean she doesn't feel it or wonder about it. I'd say from the sounds of it, you are doing all the right things for her.
You're a great mom Stayce, just like I always knew you would be!